Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Choosing


Hopefully in a few weeks we'll finally get into a normal routine and I'll know what to do with myself.  But it hasn't happened yet.  For months now we've been packing up, sorting through, and selling all our possessions.  Only to drive across the country, unpack, and then re-buy new things that we need.  On one end of the country was the ending of an era in our lives.  On this end: a beginning.  But it still hasn't really begun.



For months now we haven't had a real schedule.  Even before Bryan graduated our schedule was loose.  When he graduated things were even looser.  And once we moved?  We had all the time in the world.  But, somehow, we didn't get much done.  It's hard to really focus on things you want to do when there isn't anything you have to do.  And even since I got a job a month or so ago, our schedule has still been all over the place.  In a couple weeks Bryan will start school and I'm hoping things will settle down.  Because lately I've been having to do a lot of choosing.

It's before work.  I have x amount of time.  Do I go for a walk?  Play with Olivia?  Hang with Bryan?  Check e-mail?  Work on something?  Eat something?

Lather, rinse, and repeat for the rest of my day.  Oh, and throw in trying to keep up on reading all the blogs I like.  And trying to plan preschool for the coming school year.  And... exercise?

I wish I could say that I always choose the "right" thing.  But sometimes it's hard to say what that is.  Because it's "right" to be a good parent, it's "right" to be a good wife, and it's "right" to take time to grow myself and work on some of my own personal goals.  And that isn't to say that all of those things can't be combined.  Often they are.  But it's just a lot of choosing.

Sometimes I find myself yearning for something easier.  Almost every day--at some point during the day--I find myself coming back to the same idea.  "I know what I'll do!  I'll make a schedule and then just stick to it!  This time for scripture study and breakfast.  This time for exercise.  This time for checking e-mail.  This time for crafting and sewing."  Usually this idea strikes me at night, sometime before I go to bed, just as that all-too-familiar feeling that I haven't gotten much done comes creeping up on me.

And you know what happens in the morning?  I'll find myself miraculously waking up before Bryan and Olivia.  And I'll lay in bed thinking about how I'm going to be so productive.  I'm going to go downstairs and study scriptures while I eat breakfast and then maybe I'll go out for a walk with a friend or something.  It's going to be a wonderful start.  Super productive.  But I haven't even sat up out to bed before I hear Olivia crying or singing the ABC's to herself.  She's awake.  Goodbye quiet productive alone time.  And now that we're in the lovely potty training phase, nine times out of ten she asks to sit on the potty right away.  Which would be great except she doesn't usually go on the potty.  Sigh.  So, instead I find myself encouraging my sweet two year-old girl for trying and trying to figure out how to eat breakfast while she's glued herself to the potty (metaphorically, of course).

But I think, little by little, I'm getting better.  Just a little bit better.  Each day.  Because there's value in studying the scriptures with Busy Town and a girl on the potty in the background.  And I did still squeeze in a quick walk with friends this morning.  And tonight Bryan and I hung out and watched some lame (and some good) TV shows together while we ate sweets.  Sewing didn't happen today, but other days it will.  No grand blog post tonight, maybe not many nights ever.  But I'm sitting here with Olivia's picture of Jesus starring back at me.  And you know what?  I don't feel guilty about the things I did and didn't do today.

I think, pretty soon, we'll be back on a schedule.  And I think that it'll be nice in a lot of ways.  But there will still be a lot of choices to make.  Here's to hoping I'll be making the "right" ones.

2 comments:

Amanda said...

Thanks for writing pretty much exactly what I have been thinking lately! In June I was lucky enough to become a stay at home mommy after being a kindergarten teacher for all of my adult life. Not having a schedule during the summer felt right - I was use to that - I never had a schedule during the summer because it was my time to recharge for the next school year. But now that school has started I feel lost. Thrilled and blessed to be able to stay home with my daughter, but lost as to how to create a schedule for myself when it was always done for me before. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone!

Kathy Haynie said...

I agree about summer being more flexible...but routines most of the year help me feel like I'm "on track." I know you'll have fun with Miss O today!