Why Showers Are The Worst

For those of you who are about to suggest taking a bath instead, I leave you with the following piece of information that my brother graced me with when I was probably somewhere around the age of eleven:

"Taking a bath is like swimming in your own filth."

If you think I have never fully enjoyed soaking in the bathtub since then, you are right.

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Me and my friend Alex--post Jello fight--in our single college days

Now let's talk about why showers are the worst.  Because they really are.

First of all, you have to get wet.  I kind of hate getting wet.  I mean, it's nice once you're actually in the shower, but afterward it's a total pain.  Especially if you have long, thick hair like I do.  I always ring my wet hair out several times after I'm done with a shower and the wringing-out is followed by a thorough drying off with a towel.    

An entire separate towel just for my hair, by the way, because if I try and use just one towel I end up soaking wet and even after I get dressed I still have awkward wet places all over.  Gah.

But even after wringing and drying, if I put my hair up in a ponytail (which I always do), at least part of my hair will still be wet hours later.  It's long and thick and a mean little beast.

Okay, so being wet.  That's the first part of what makes showers the worst.

Second of all, I hate the amount of time it takes to shave my legs.  Over the years I have even cut out using shaving cream all together because it is, in truth, a total waste of time and money in my opinion.  And even without the hassle of shaving cream, shaving my legs still takes up the majority of my shower time.  

And, inevitably, that time is spent over in some far corner of the shower where I can actually see what I'm doing, but where the water streaming down from the shower head never seems to reach.

Don't mind me, I'll just be standing over here with my leg in the air shivering in the cold.  

Yeah, that's fun.  And somehow I still always miss spots of hair.  Erg.  Embarrassing and annoying.  Shaving my legs is the bane of my existence.

The third worst thing about taking a shower is the water itself.  99% of the time it's too hot, too cold, or doesn't have enough water pressure.  Boys don't understand this.  Especially the change in water temperature as the shower progresses.  Because they don't have to spend the majority of an inevitably long shower shaving their legs.  No, no.  They just jump in, wash their one inch of hair, scrub down real quick, and hop right now.  Ahh, showers!  What's not to love?

Sometimes I hate boys when they talk about showers.  And about how quick they are.

What boys will never really, fully grasp is the concept of making hard choices in the shower.  Because, in the end, what it really boils down to is this: do I want to be cold and shivering and hating my life while shaving my legs or while washing my hair?

If I wash my hair first, all the hot water will be gone by the time I'm shaving my legs.  Which makes it all the worse.  Because if I shave my legs first, I may not actually be standing in the hot water (since I'm off in the corner--see above), but at least the steam from the hot water makes my corner slightly more tolerable.  But then if I shave my legs first and enjoy the warmth in my corner, the water is freezing cold by the time I wash my hair.  

Oh!  Great idea!  I'll stick my head under a stream of super cold water!  Ahh, nothing like a trip to the arctic to start your day off right.

No.  This is the worst.  Especially since I have long, thick hair.  So it takes a long time to actually rinse out all of the shampoo.  And conditioner.  Let's not forget about conditioner.  So I end up standing in the freezing cold waterfall twice.  For a very long time.  And, in the end, there's still some shampoo or conditioner left in my hair because I've lost all endurance for standing in cold water.  And, let's face it, my legs are all prickly from the cold by the time I get out anyway.

This is why I have recently been going with what I consider the lesser of two evils.  First comes the body wash.  I guess I left that out before, but that's a given for me to use the body wash first.  Especially since I skip shaving cream all together.  Then I wash my hair.  In nice warm water.  And then I shave my legs in the cold little corner, but at least by that point I'm not in the water much anyway.

Then I ring out my eternally wet hair, dry it with a towel, and wrap the towel around my head to keep my hair from dripping on the rest of me.  I finish drying off with a second towel, get dressed, and then continue my day with wet hair.

What?  Blow dry it?  That would totally defeat the entire purpose of taking a shower, which is to get clean and not smell bad.  Because my hair is so long and thick that by the time I finish blow drying my hair my right armpit is all sweaty and gross.  From holding up the blow dryer so long.  Plus it makes my face all hot and sweaty.  And it makes me hate my life.  This, of course, coming after showers, which are the worst.  Oh, and did I mention I have a two year old, so there's no way I'd even have time to blow dry my hair more than twice a year anyway?  So, yeah, I've given up on blow drying completely.  Sold the blow dryer, in fact.  Wet ponytails all the way, my friend.

Man, showers are the worst.