Monday, February 13, 2012

Big Plans Tend to Get Bigger

Doughnuts also make things better.  :)

Last September I wrote this post.

I'm still not ready to say entirely what it was about and what those big plans were, but I'll tell you that a lot of that anxiety I was feeling was over starting Brown Bag.  I had never done it before.  It was a jumble to get things started since even I didn't really know how it would go.  But I knew what I wanted it to be.  And I knew that Heavenly Father wanted me to do it.

Now, five months later, I'm getting a better handle on things.  I have a general schedule for how the Brown Bag nights run.  People know what to expect.  And every so often I hear people mention it off hand--"Oh, yeah, you know so-and-so.  She was at Brown Bag."--and I can't help but giggle inwardly.  I hear people talk about it like it's this real thing.  Don't they know I just made this thing up in my head?

But then, what is anything, if not something someone just made up in their head?

Coming to grips with the fact that I am a real person and that I make real things and have real plans is something I'm still working on.  It's a daily mental battle for me.



Those of you who follow me on Pinterest may have noticed that I up and pinned practically everything on my blog the other day.  (More on that later.)  As I was combing through my archives looking for pin-worthy things, I came across the post I linked to above.  It's hard to explain how it made me feel.

Most of what I share here on the blog is exactly that: things that I share.  I of course enjoy photography and creating and writing, so, in a sense I do this for me.  But it would be a lot less fun to do this work without you all on the receiving end.  So a little bit I do this for me--for my own enjoyment and personal fulfillment-- but a lot I do it for you guys.  All of this to say that I didn't write that post thinking that it would be exactly the message I would need to hear five months later.  But Heavenly Father is sly like that.

I think we preach the sermons we most need to hear all the time.  
Usually I'm just not listening.

But on that particular day when I came across that post, I was listening.  My anxiety had been perpetually building.  What was once just Big has gotten Bigger.  Because we all know that once Heavenly Father asks you to do something and you do it, He's going to ask you to do something else.  Something more.

There is something so big staring me in the face and sometimes it's hard to look at it.  It's not bad and ugly.  It's just... new.  And big.  And it tends to put me on an emotional roller coaster.

Look at me!  I'm awesome!  I can totally handle this!
...
Pout, cranky, pout, sob.  I'm not worth a bean.

This is basically what I go through every day.  Okay, I don't really think I'm not worth a bean.  But it is hard to look at your own work without someone there to guide you and be able to tell yourself over and over again: This is good.

I was on a lower point in the roller coaster when I came across my own words that told me how to feel better.  I re-read this post and felt my feet set firmly on the ground again.  I listened to this talk again and cried and felt whole.

Anyone who has ever made anything knows that the glorious "I did it!" feeling is a fleeting one.  And one that seems always and forever followed close behind by, "So... do you like it?"

Thank goodness for blogs that let us brag without being braggy.
And for the wise and healing words of others.

And for all the times in between now and when I can tell you what in the world I'm talking about, I'll keep re-reading and re-listening to those kind, wise words.

I hope they'll be good words for you too.

1 comment:

The Steeles said...

Love this. Such beautiful, honest introspection.