A couple weeks ago I finally bit the bullet and made an appointment with my doctor, you know, just in case. I was pretty sure that the appointment would go one of two ways:
- I would start bawling and make a total fool of myself.
- He would tell me we wouldn't really do anything until it had been a full year.
The appointment was today and, well, let's just say it was tear-free and pretty anti-climactic.
I really like my doctor. He's a super nice, thoughtful guy. And sometimes his excessive use of euphemisms makes me laugh. I'm all for not wanting to talk about... you know... that..., but, seriously, we both know that's what the appointment is about, so just spit it out already. Anyway, after a 30 minute battle-turned-phone-conversation with the receptionist and my health insurance and a 20 minute wait, I had a the 5 minute conversation with my doctor which left me with a strange mixture of feelings.
Partly, the whole thing made me feel just plain normal, which is a relief in a lot of ways. Also, it made me feel dumb for even making the appointment at all. But, underneath the whole charade of having to go through so much trouble for a 5 minute conversation, was an undeniable sense of renewed hope. Feeling isolated about anything for any degree of time can be so draining and depressing at times. And to find yourself in the middle of an open conversation, one filled with practicality and normalcy and hope, can make you feel like the whole world is friendly again.
Not that I was feeling particularly friendly and cheery as I left the doctor's office. But still.
Anyway, I never plan to write about this stuff, but then in the moment it always seems right. Sorry to those of you who think it's weird. (I'm right there with you on that sometimes.) I guess more than anything else lately I've just been acutely aware of how lonely it can feel to go through this. And sometimes it feels like, if I say what's in my heart and what's true, somehow it'll make some one or two of you out there feel just a little bit less lonely. Which would bring a lot of joy to my heart. (And make me feel--ahem--not so embarrassed about writing all this random and pretty personal stuff.) Not that I'm trying to call anyone out. I just wanted you to know: it's for you that these words are here. I hope you know that.
4 comments:
I get the idea of holding something in for a while and then when you let it out and find the right person to talk about it to, you feel so much better.
Thanks for sharing how you found hope. My struggles aren't the same, but it gives me hope that I might find some more peace and hope soon.
I love your candid, open approach to life, shared with all on your blog. So refreshing. I just want to reach out and hug you every time I read your words! :)
I love these posts... But they usually make me want to have a crazy long phone conversation with you. Too bad Eric was always around when you visited...
I really don't mind these kind of posts. It would be a bridge to far to say I 'love' these posts (because it's such a struggle for you), but I do like to read them. To get a sense on how you feel, how you coppe with it. And everytime I read one of these posts I always think that you are strong, even though you don't see it yourself. Your will to deal with it, even though everyday is a struggle, is just inspiring. You let me see that even though it seems like there's no change, if you take it bit by bit, eventually you'll come there. Will it get easier every time? No, that much you showed me. But you learn to cope with it. Thank you for sharing your feelings with me and all the other readers!
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