Monday, December 10, 2012

Me again

I already wrote a post today, but then I was doing some stuff and got to thinking about something else that I wanted to say. So here I am again.

It always happens during NaBloPoMo because Bryan and my in-laws come back to reading my blog on a regular basis. And I am totally a write-for-my-readers kind of writer. I can't help it. (Not that I would if I could.) I hear that some people don't like their in-laws. I happen to love mine a lot. I'm the youngest in my family, but Bryan still has younger siblings that we tease and bother and older siblings that we can't get enough of. I have nice siblings too, but it's a different dynamic. Anyway, I like my in-laws a lot. And having them read and comment on my blog on a regular basis turns me into a different writer. It's something akin to spending time with my favorite girlfriends and roommates from college. We get silly and funny and--for better or worse--seem not to notice everybody else staring at us while we do ridiculous things.

And I love that.

Never am I happier than when I'm surrounded by people I love who love me back. I grew up with a lot of not-so-fun stuff and, as a result, built a lot of walls. And it probably wasn't until my sophomore or junior year of college until I came to really know myself as me, not just me in the context of something or someone else. And it's no coincidence that that transitional period of self discovery (the very best and happiest kind of self discovery) came when I was surrounded by roommates and friends who were funny and silly and loved from the bottom of their hearts. They made mistakes and laughed. I made mistakes and laughed. And it was okay. It was something I had never really known. Those friends and roommates remain some of my favorite people and Bryan can always tell when they call because we start giggling and talking like idiots and the rest of the world melts away and doesn't matter. This is a lot the way I feel about my inlaws.*

This is also a lot the way I feel about you regular blog readers. I know you like the craft and sewing posts. And I know you're excited for my *someday* book (which makes me love you even more, by the way), but you've told me time and time again that you're here because you like me as I am and not because I have the coolest tutorials around. (Which, frankly, is a good thing because I think we all know that I indeed do not have the coolest tutorials around.)

I've you've been reading this blog for the past couple of years then you know that I've waffled back and forth elevendy billion times about whether to keep my blog professional or personal. It's probably something I'll always go back and forth on, at least in my head, but the other day I read a very simple and candid post on someone's blog about how she was just posting random stuff and then somehow got kind of popular and then felt this kind of stage fright about suddenly feeling like she had to do something impressive every time she got online. I don't know her personally, but I could relate to that sentiment so much. Unlike so many of the craft and sewing blogs out there these days, mine did not start out this way. And if my years of trying to conform and be "professional" have taught me anything, it is that (like she said) that is not really me. I'm thrilled by the idea of finally getting to be "professional" in a book. But here on my blog, here in my life, that is not my reality.

I'm not going to be the next big thing. I'm not going to be taking professional pictures with my dSLR every day. (And, yes, lame way to announce it, but I bought one a few months ago. I've used it some, but I probably won't ever use it every day. It's just not what I'm into right now. So I hope you're enjoying all the Instagram pictures! Haha.) Despite my thoughts about it every now and then, there will probably be no "tutorial on this day of the week" thing going on here. I thrive on my calendar and to-do lists, but scheduling my life around my blog when, for me, it's always been the other way around, probably isn't ever going to happen.

The more I've come to accept these truths about myself with open arms, the less time I've been spending in blog land feeling overwhelmed. (And, actually, the less time I've been spending in blog land all together.) And when I do spend time relaxing and looking at blogs, I feel like my vision is that much clearer. I see through eyes of admiration for colleagues and friends, rather than thinking, "Man, they get all the lucky breaks." At church today one of the speakers was talking about envy and quoted that "envy is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die from it."

Anyway, so you'll likely be reading a lot more of the random posts like what I was writing last month. And if there are tutorial pictures, they're likely to be taken with my iPod in the terrible too-yellow lighting of our dark little apartment instead of on my sweet new camera in beautifully styled spaces. (Unless I get uber awesome at taking pictures with my fancy new camera. We shall see.)

Here's to random thoughts, family updates, and me in my hoodie with the drawstrings pulled up tight.

*Although I still have no desire to play that ridiculous dancing game on the Wii.


Marilyn said...

My favorite read are when you share your life with us. Thank you! One of these days I must meet your in-laws....we are so close and they sound delightful!

Bryan Lewis said...

I really like it when you write about how cool I am. You should probably do that more often... haha.

alee said...

I support Bryan...I like when you write about how cool he is too :)